I have really traveled a ton of
emotional distance this year and feel like I have a lot to be proud of. This reflection
is for me to put into words some of the things I learned. I am using the
practice of writing the things I learned down and reflecting on them to
solidify them in my mind and to retain these lessons and have them be permanent
learning that I continue to build on. I
enjoy the opportunity to share this with others, as it might spark
conversations, and it can help me be feel accountable to have let other people
in on what I’m up to.
I’ll be saying “I learned” but it
is more accurate to say “I am learning”, as this is all ongoing subject to
continual upkeep and monitoring.
I learned to identify some of my
interaction styles and behaviors as “codependent”**. I have read and reflected
a lot on my dynamics of past relationships and ongoing friendships. I find labeling my interaction defaults as “codependent”
to be 1. Extremely helpful and hopeful because it means it has a name; it’s a thing.
There are patterns of my childhood that fit with why I have developed this way
of interacting, and there are things to do to change it. 2. Kind of hilarious to be so TEXTBOOK of a
case 3. A bit humbling to realize my problems aren’t all that unique, special,
or mystifying—they are almost predictable.
I’ve made a lot of progress in
identifying codependent patterns and working to operate in reality and express
what I want from my relationships, to change dynamics with friends and to
insist on connections that are healthy and satisfying for me.
I learned that I distort things
in my mind and often don’t allow positive messages of love, attraction, or acceptance
to come in. I am totally relearning how to interact with my social environment and
to accept reality good or bad and to take peoples words and actions for the
truth instead of trying to make up meaning for it, whether I exaggerate it to
be more or less caring than it is.
I learned how to let people leave
from my life. I learned to let people go. I was honest and I didn’t say
anything I regret at all. I was compassionate towards others but equally
compassionate toward myself, insisting on keeping myself happy and safe.
I really, really learned A LOT
about valuing myself and letting people who aren’t valuing me leave and not
come back. I really absolutely had to love myself and for being me and not for
the role I play in other people’s lives or the things I give to them. I learned
to stop compulsively giving at the expense of myself.
I learned to stick up for myself
and say when I was hurt by other people.
I learned to say no in a lot of
ways. I learned to be compassionate toward people but not let them hurt me or
stay in my life if they were being destructive.
I learned to distance myself from
my parents and the feelings of guilt and wanting to do things for them or make
their lives better. I have been better at not feeling responsible for their happiness.
I learned how to listen to my
intuition and to recognize signs of people that are toxic and not good to me.
I learned to not bond with people
over suffering and low points and addictions and misery. I learned to demand
more out of my relationships than simply commiserating and being down in the
dirt with each other.
I learned to open up to people I
trust and to let people in a bit more than I usually would.
I am learning not to act preemptively
or reactively. I am learning how to stop trying to control my environment or do
detective work about what could be wrong or try to assume other peoples
intentions, desires, or needs. I am learning how to let people be adults and
interact with them as competent and capable adults instead of charity cases, socially
inept, needy people who can’t advocate for themselves.
I have learned to be open and
clear and to not expect the worst or that things aren’t working or that
something is wrong. I am still working on this, but assuming the best and
assuming that people are adults that can communicate if something is amiss is a
huge new way of interacting for me.
I am learning to enjoy my
strengths and be strong and happy and proud while acknowledging this doesn’t
make other people shrink or feel bad. If it does it is saying something about
them, not about me. I am learning to value people and think highly of them and
not assume them to be their weakest selves. I can interact with people with
respect and faith that they have the ability to accomplish what they want.
I am learning how to be
supportive towards people without assuming responsibility or giving them advice
or trying to solve any of their problems. I am assuming people are strong, even
if they show weakness; they aren’t defined by their weakness, depression, or
problems. They are strong and capable.
I am not letting people lean on
me or leach off of me or depend on me too much. I am keeping emotional
boundaries with all of my friends.
I am remaining emotionally self
sufficient and not letting others impact me too much. I will keep good
boundaries with myself and be honest and aware of how I am feeling.
I am learning to not be afraid or
distrusting of my feelings and learning to look at them as tools to uncover how
I am responding to current situations or past/future scenarios. I am learning
to question both my emotions and my thoughts equally and be looking for
outcomes that lead to a happier me.
I learned to feel more competent
socially, to be more outgoing and open to sharing myself and my sense of humor
and thoughts with more people and have received positive affirmation from that.
I learned to be a better
student—to learn the shit I need, to work the system, to not berate myself or
feel bad if I am not perfect.
I have learned not to value
myself for my grades and have learned to be pretty confident in my abilities as
a person who can learn new things.
I learned how to navigate
uncomfortable work situations and how to make connections with people in
professional settings.
I learned a ton about social justice
topics, politics, and perspectives.
I learned a ton about white
identity and my spot in the US as a white settler (always learning more about that).
I learned how to use humor and be
upbeat in stressful situations. I learned ways to not feel bogged down and how
to pull and push on humor and others to stay energized.
I learned how to be at peace with
not doing everything possible. I learned how to let myself have time and be
okay with not going to every social event or every opportunity. I learned to
forgive myself when I don’t do it all.
I learned to take care of myself
and make myself comfortable in my surroundings. How to plush things out, get cozy,
spend money on small things that make me happy, make my environment a place I
want to be and to set things up in my home the way I want them.
I learned to take care of myself.
I learned to be my own friend.
I learned to have fun with myself.
I learned how to be alone but not
feel lonely.
I learned how to shift my
perspective and be generous to myself and caring toward myself.
I guess part of my reason for
writing this is the desire to make a stronghold on what I have going on and the
progress I have made and to really set that shit in stone and keep on moving
without losing any ground. I learned so much this year and I want to keep
learning. A lot of this year was painful
and kind of miserable. I cried a lot. I felt a lot of things. I had a rough
time of it for a while but it has really transformed my relationships and has
lead me to better self understanding and self love. I did take care of myself
and I did learn to love and be there for myself.
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